Last spring, my wife grazed lips with a co-worker.
In Europe on business, she sounded a bit shaken when I called to check in.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I…almost kissed my boss on the mouth,” she said.
“What?” I sputtered. “Is Paris really that enchanting?”
Turns out, she was not admitting to a clandestine managerial makeout session. She simply fell victim, as many Americans do, to that slippery social tradition around the world: the kiss greeting.
Perhaps you’ve witnessed it in a Roman piazza between close friends, or on a beach in Rio de Janeiro among new acquaintances, and found yourself confused about its meaning. Unlike a simple handshake or hug, circumstances that warrant the cheek kiss differ by culture, and the logistics are equally as varied: In Spain, one kiss on each cheek is common; in some parts of Afghanistan, it’s customary to kiss up to eight times. All this to say that the cheek kiss is more art than science. For world travelers, a basic understanding of how it works is essential—make the wrong move and you risk offending the other person. Below is a rough guide to keep you from accidentally swapping spit with a well-meaning local.
The Origins
In his new book One Kiss or Two: In Search of the Perfect Greeting, career diplomat Andy Scott speculates on the origins of the cheek-kissing tradition: “In his Epistle to the Romans, St. Paul instructed followers to ‘salute one another with a holy kiss.’ And so the ‘holy kiss’ became a common greeting among early Christians and a central part of Catholic ceremony.”
Over time, it’s possible that the biblical lip-to-lip salutation evolved into a kiss on the cheek, which would explain why the kiss greeting is popular in many densely Catholic countries. While the practice is also commonplace in parts of the Middle East and Asia, it’s ubiquitous in Latin America and continental Europe.
Scott traces the kiss back to a peasant custom that was adopted by elites once lower classes began migrating into cities, suggesting that travelers are more likely to encounter kiss greetings in rural towns and villages than their metropolitan counterparts.
The Cheat Sheet
Not only is it worthwhile to know where you might have to turn a cheek, but it’s helpful to know just how many kisses to expect. In France alone, the count varies dramatically by region, according to a 2014 web survey of more than 100,000 citizens: Parisians consider two kisses the norm, while three is standard in Provence, and four throughout the Loire Valley. Here’s the common count for a sampling of other countries:
- One Kiss: Colombia, Argentina, Chile, Peru, the Philippines
- Two Kisses: Spain, Italy, Greece, Germany, Hungary, Romania, Croatia, Bosnia, Brazil (though, like France, the number can differ by region), and some Middle Eastern countries (though not between opposite sexes)
- Three Kisses: Belgium, Slovenia, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Egypt, and Russia (where it’s accompanied by a bear hug)
The Logistics
A kiss, by name, has its charming differences—it's el beso in Spain, beijnhos in Portugal, beijos in Brazil, and beso-beso in the Philippines—but the logistics are fairly straightforward. You start by leaning in and placing right cheek to right cheek, before moving to the left side—and back and forth thereafter if additional pecks are required. The primary exception is Italy, which starts il bacio on the left.
While some cultures really do apply lips to cheek, you’re better off refraining. Instead, touch cheeks and administer an air kiss—a soft smacking sound, as opposed to the more bombastic mwah!—forgoing any actual exchange of saliva. Why?
“Some would say because of lipstick,” Scott says. “Others would say to stop the spread of germs.” Indeed, in 2009, The Telegraph reported that many French institutions issued a temporary ban on la bise to prevent an outbreak of H1N1 swine flu.
Don't know what to do with the rest of your body? If you stand at a distance with your arms at your sides, you may come off as aloof or unfriendly. If you're greeting someone you know well, a hug is acceptable. (There's only confusion when you go in for a hug without the kiss, while your partner puckers, and the misread leads to your faces mistakenly mashed together.) But for less familiar relations, you’re best served by gently placing your hands on the other person’s shoulders.
“I would advise people to follow along, not to hold back but to do exactly what [the other person is] doing,” says etiquette expert Lydia Ramsey, author of Manners That Sell. “Return the same greeting or accept their greeting graciously, and certainly don't stiffen up because you’re not accustomed to doing that.”
The Hazards
In Latin America, it’s normal to greet someone you’ve just met with a kiss—it's the equivalent of extending a hand in North America. While that’s true in much of Europe as well, it’s not quite as widespread. If you’re faced with a kiss greeting and aren’t sure how many are coming, you may be best served planning for two.
“Weirdly, there’s an inverse correlation [in many places] between the number of kisses and how close and intimate you are with that person,” Scott says. “It’s as if the second kiss somehow cancels out the meaning of the first kiss. Instead of a sign of intimacy, it becomes much more ritualistic.”
Gender dynamics are also an important consideration. In Europe and Latin America, kiss greetings between two women, and between a man and a woman, are widely accepted. A kiss between two men, though more rare, does occur in places like Argentina, Serbia, and Southern Italy. As one might expect, male/female kisses are frowned upon in regions with more conservative religious values, whereas a kiss greeting between men may be welcomed.
Those specific pitfalls aside, Scott encourages travelers to engage, even at the risk of committing a faux pas:
“One approach is to take the other person’s lead, like dancing. Going through the ritual and getting it wrong is, to some extent, more important than avoiding it all together. Even if you show embarrassment or awkwardness, that’s an important social signal showing you’re aware of that country’s customs.”