Surprising Courtship Rituals to Entice Your Valentine

A male and female giraffe wrap necks in courtship

Source: O'Connell & Rodwell

As Darwin explained it, a male peacock’s tail evolved because the success that the male had in mating with such a splendid ornament outweighed the costs of avoiding a predator by being drab. This is how Darwin came up with the idea of sexual selection. Contrary to his theory of natural selection, females choosing particular traits can drive evolution just as much, or even more, than outside forces, such as weather or food availability. The traits that the female selects in a male get passed on to the next generation.

Often the color red is a signal of high testosterone in males—such as the red comb on a rooster’s head or the pink beak and shins on a male ostrich during mating season. It is energetically expensive to produce testosterone, so these displays are an honest way to signal fitness to the female during courtship. The same is true for musth in male elephants: They generate a scent and display a whole lot of swagger to advertise their fitness, as it takes a lot of testosterone to maintain the hormonal state of musth.

The great bowerbird of northern Australia has an entirely different strategy. Rather than theatrical acts or flashy colors, they construct a bower, a work of art that they present to their prospective mate in the hope that she will find the artwork attractive enough to mate with him. If the bower doesn’t get sabotaged by the competition, the male will also sing to her. If she is receptive, they will dance and mate — after which the female disappears, and he starts the process all over again.

Like the bowerbird, a male human can create a dazzling array of props to improve his prospects. These props are referred to as secondary sexual traits, as they are used to attract a mate. Studies have shown that both men and women tend to incorporate sex-specific products within courtship rituals, in which women may focus on beauty aids (the bird of paradise strategy), and men may focus on objects such as sports cars (the bowerbird effect).

A recent experiment showed that these sex-specific products can impact our hormone levels. For example, a man’s testosterone level elevated while driving a Porsche versus a regular sedan. Another study showed that having possession of a sports car influenced both men's and women’s perceptions of other men’s physical features. When women were presented with a picture of a man standing in front of a red Porsche for an online dating site, the women automatically assumed that the man associated with a high-status product was tall. Men presented with the same photo automatically assumed that the man was short, demonstrating inherent male-male rivalry.

Another study on women’s behavior during their ovulation cycle found that women spend more time on beautifying efforts during the window of ovulation. This suggests that our subconscious is more aware of our hormonal state than we might anticipate.

Humans use scent in their courtship rituals, too. Similar to female and male elephants, women use perfume and men use cologne to advertise themselves.

In one courtship ritual in Austria, young women perform a ritual dance with slices of apple held in their armpits. After dancing, the women give the apple slices to the men of their choice, and the men eat them. This ritual might seem strange, but it’s just another way we use smell to choose a mate—similar to the pheromones in insects, musth in elephants, or wearing perfume and cologne.

How does human courtship traditionally begin? With an expression of interest. In the United States, this is enshrined in Valentine’s Day, with its gifts of chocolates, flowers, and jewelry, and the secret, or not-so-secret, ritual request: “Will you be my Valentine?” This modern courtship ritual evolved from an ancient Roman festival that marked the official start of spring, sometime in mid-February, and dates back to the year 496.

A more peculiar courtship ritual called bundling dates back to biblical times. It was once practiced in the Netherlands and is still practiced today in Pennsylvania Dutch country among some Amish cultures. In the bundling ritual, a young teenage boy and girl stay overnight together at the girl’s residence, bundled in separate blankets within the same bed and further separated by a “bundling board.” Despite being wrapped in separate blankets, this allows the couple the opportunity to experience intimacy without having intercourse—and it is subject to parental oversight as additional insurance that nothing more than words and breath are exchanged.

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The Dai culture of southern China has an annual courtship ritual called “visiting girls.” Young women sit around a bonfire turning their spinning wheels, and are visited by men wearing red blankets and playing instruments. Each man chooses a woman to serenade, and if she likes him, she invites him to sit on a small stool that she pulls from under her skirt. The man then wraps her in his red blanket and they whisper to each other.

Courtship rituals aren’t only about starting something new. They provide fresh and exciting ways to rekindle an old flame or rekindle a current flame. Done with intent, courtship gestures can have the same thrill as when done for the first time with a new romantic interest. This is the goal when married couples renew their vows. Partners can adopt any activity and make it a ritual that reaffirms their love and commitment.

In thinking about our similarities with our great ape kin, I have to say that I am glad that women don’t have to advertise their ovulation window with an engorged red rump like chimpanzees. Having a potential suitor eat apple slices from under a woman’s armpits doesn’t sound all that tantalizing, either—but it definitely seems preferable to bundling. Some ritual in courtship is fun, even if it’s not as elaborate as a flamingo group march or taking up flamenco dance. The simple gesture of holding hands to connect is soothing—like two giraffes wrapping necks in courtship.

All social creatures go a-courting in some fashion. What will you do to court your Valentine this year? For inspiration, check out the Courtship Rituals chapter in my new book, Wild Rituals