All products are independently selected by our editors. If you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission.
Being a truly great kisser doesn’t come down to a straightforward set of rules, even if you’ve got years of making out under your belt: It all comes down to chemistry, what you’re into, and honestly, a good amount of luck. One person’s meltingly romantic kiss might be another’s cringiest slobberfest—or you might find that the person you’re frenching shows you a brand-new way to do it that makes you absolutely melt.
“Kissing is weird,” Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based cognitive behavioral therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and the author of Seeking Soulmate: Ditch The Dating Game and Find Real Connection, tells SELF. “There’s no clear explanation of how or why we started sticking our mouths together, and why that’s desirable.” (It’s true: Theories abound, but no one actually knows much for sure outside of, “It probably has something to do with mating,” which…yeah, we know!)
Mysterious as it may be, kissing rules—and especially when you relax a bit about exactly how to be a good kisser, according to Ajjan. “Often, we’re thinking, ‘Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying it? Does my breath stink?’” she says. (Or, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you might be wondering if you forgot to switch the whites into the dryer.) “If you’re able to shift focus to your partner, kissing becomes a mindful activity where you’re tuning into your senses and theirs, which can make the moment more fun and satisfying,” Ajjan says.
According to a study of 1,605 people in relationships of at least two years, how satisfied you are with your partnership (both sexually and in general) might be qualified not only by how much you love the other person, but how much you’re smooching them. So developing your kissing skills isn’t just a good idea for beginners—we can all benefit from making out like it’s our day job.
With that in mind, we asked Ajjan, as well as everyday people who bravely volunteered their wisdom and experience, for pointers on how to have a truly great kiss next time you pucker up. There’s no one way to be a good kisser—there are as many of them out there as there are people to kiss.
1. Make sure your partner is into it.
Getting consent for your first kiss with someone might seem stodgy, but it can honestly be hot. For some people, this will make them want to kiss you even more. Kim, 37, from Illinois, tells SELF that she’s very into asking people if they want to be kissed. If they say yes and it feels right as you go, you can even ask how they want to be kissed, she says. The key here: “Show them you listened to their answer.” Listening is a surefire way to be a better kisser.
Norma, 60, from Canada, says her best-ever kiss was when she was 15 years old, and telling someone yes was part of what made it so memorable. “My date looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Would it be okay if I kissed you?’ I had never been asked by anyone before,” Norma tells SELF. “With my permission, he leaned in and gave me a gentle but firm kiss. I still think of him in the most special way.”
2. It bears repeating: Try to be in the moment.
If, by and large, you have no trouble getting lost in steamy makeout sessions: Right on, and keep doing what you’re doing. But invariably, other demands can compete for your attention sometimes, and being present can get tricky. For example, Jillian, a 31-year-old mother in California, tells SELF she gets easily distracted when she’s with her partner. “I have a hard time staying in the moment. Especially when our toddler—and sometimes her noisy toys—are in the room.”
For Elizabeth, 53, from Texas, late-night and early-morning ruminations about her job can interfere with her ability to truly connect with her partner, which extends to kissing. “Worrying about potential disasters at work is probably the worst enemy of in-the-moment kissing,” she tells SELF.
To stop your mind from wandering to your inbox or other stress-inducing, non-kissing parts of your day, Ajjan recommends paying attention to what you can feel, hear, see, smell, and taste—a grounding technique that’s commonly employed in mindfulness practices that can help you get out of your head and be more attuned to what’s actually happening in the moment.
AJ, 44, from Washington, tells SELF that a good kiss with her girlfriend is like a form of meditation. “We start breathing in unison, and it calms me down. Everything is right in the world,” she says. And research indicates that kissing can reduce cortisol, the famous stress-related hormone.
3. Let your lips linger.
The little forehead kiss you want at lunchtime is probably wildly different from the passionate lip-lock you may crave after hours. But even if all you’re planning is a quick peck, Ajjan says one of the most underrated tips for making a good kiss into a great one is elongating it. “The six-second kiss, as described by marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, PhD, is actually a pretty long kiss,” she says. But when you take the time to do it, “it’s an opportunity to really tune into and sync with each other, which can help you feel more connected.”
According to Ajjan, taking your time allows real intimacy to build up between you and your partner. And Erin, 38, from Washington, says something like the six-second trick is her go-to when her girlfriend is stressed. “When she gets into a mode of trying to get a bunch of stuff done, that’s when I try to ground her with a longer kiss.”
4. Don’t jam your tongue in someone’s mouth right away.
French kissing is, of course, one of life’s greatest activities, but you should make sure to introduce a little tongue into your partner’s mouth slowly and sensually—unless you’ve both made it clear that you’re into more intense tongue action right off the bat. In general, operate under the mindset that no one likes a surprise tongue jammed down their throat without any warning (or…sometimes ever).
Taking your time in the tongue department can help you gauge what works with a new kissing partner—and also just be a hot form of foreplay, no matter how many times you’ve locked lips, Ajjan says. Start with the tip of your tongue and go slowly from there.
LaVonne, 59, from Massachusetts, says that, for her, less is more when it comes to tongue. She tells SELF she prefers a kissing style that’s “firm but tender, sensitive, urgent with passion and just the tiniest hint of tongue.”
Amanda, 43, from Illinois, gets lost in a tongue kiss with the right person too. “If the connection is there, it’s like everything around you stops and you are all in,” she tells SELF.
To give yourself the best odds of hitting just the right amount of tongue, Erin also suggests following the other person’s lead (as long as it feels good to you). “Note how far they’re putting their tongue in your mouth, and match it,” she says. Then you can experiment with a little more, and see how they respond.
5. If you’re into sloppy kisses, practice some restraint.
Big, wet approaches to locking lips can feel very intimate for some people, but it’s best to build your way up slowly. Melissa is in the less-is-more camp. “Too much gets wet and gross,” she says. “No one wants to feel like they’re being slobbered on like a dog.”
April, 32, from the British Virgin Islands, is in a similar boat. “I hate sloppy kisses—hate them,” she tells SELF. “I love gentle, full smooches with lips and a slight caress of our tongues.”
It can be a fine line to walk. Annie, 30, from California, notes that using too much or too little saliva can be less than pleasant. She’s all about that happy medium. Of course, “slobber,” “sloppy,” and “happy saliva medium” are relative terms when it comes to spit-swapping. You won’t know how your kissing partner feels about it unless you ask. Even something as simple as, “Is this okay?” or, “Do you like that?” does the trick.
6. Pay attention to other body parts and erogenous zones.
What you do with your hands often dictates how passionate a kiss can be, but it doesn’t have to be overly complicated. Bailey, 33, from Texas, thinks hand placement is about balance, as is the kind of touch a person uses. “I don’t want someone to be too grabby and rough, or too soft and timid,” she tells SELF, noting that she’s turned off by both. Jillian, on the other hand, says more is more. “Running his hand down my back? Holding the back of my head? Even a nice butt grab? All about it. Hands are half of kissing.”
To ensure you get your hands on the action you’re looking for, don’t be shy about asking for what you want, Ajjan says. Again, it’s always good to ask if you’re even remotely unsure about how your partner feels about you touching their body too. Jillian says verbal direction works in her marriage. “If one of us wants to do something else, we just say it. Don’t be afraid to vocalize what you want. It’s effective and can be sexy.”
Amy, 47, from California, uses more subtle cues when she wants a change. “I’ve learned to redirect my husband with action,” she tells SELF. “I’ll show him what I want by holding my lips open or pulling back.”
Don’t underestimate the hotness potential of kissing somewhere other than their lips, provided consent is there. A related tip from Amy: Trace a part of their earlobe or collarbone with your finger before gently kissing the same spot. She says these non-mouth kisses can electrify a makeout session. “For some people it’s the ear, for others it’s the neck. I just think kisses that land somewhere other than the lips are largely underrated,” she says.
7. If you’re going to bite, be gentle.
Some people think the best kisses are ones that come with a little bite. If that sounds a lot like you, Ajjan recommends pacing yourself and watching for physical cues and body language about whether your partner likes it as you go too, even if you’ve already talked through it. “You don’t want to go from zero to 60 and risk hurting someone,” she says. “Tune into your partner, and then play around with biting, just not hard.”
“When I’m really in the mood, I love a really passionate kiss,” Amanda, 43, from Illinois, tells SELF. “I lightly lick his lips and gently bite and pull on them.” And, as Erin says, “Soft biting is animalistic. It says ‘I’m ready to take this a step further.’” If you want to give it a try, gently nibble on your partner’s lower lip while you’re kissing.
Still, not everyone is into this, which is why it’s crucial to pay attention to your partner’s responses before and throughout. “I have way too many memories of recoiling from that bizarre encounter where someone thought biting was exciting,” LaVonne says.
8. Keep your lips soft and your breath fresh.
No matter how top-notch your kissing technique, dry, cracked lips can potentially make the experience uncomfortable for both partners.
If you don’t moisturize your lips, now might be the time to start. Try gently exfoliating with a wet washcloth or a sugary lip scrub, and then apply a thick layer of moisturizing balm right before bed. Or just carry a lip balm around! (If you’re dealing with super-chapped lips, SELF has plenty of tips for keeping them moisturized and healthy. But if you’re experiencing a medical issue, like a cold sore, that’s affecting your lips, this advice won’t cut it—see a primary care doctor or a dermatologist for proper treatment.)
If you can, avoid foods that might give you bad breath right before a kiss—garlic comes to mind!—but know that certain tastes can work to your advantage too. Carrie, 28, from North Carolina, says the first time her boyfriend said he loved her, they were brushing their teeth. “It was perfect. I told him I loved him too, and then we had the best kiss ever, all pepperminty and sweet,” she tells SELF. “And then we kept brushing our teeth.”
9. Be thoughtful and kind as you give (and take) kissing notes.
You can be a terrible kisser according to one person, and a lip-locking genius to another. That’s why you need to be open to communicating your own desires, as well as listening to what your partner wants. But telling someone you don’t like how they kiss can be hard.
Suzanne, 57, from California, says she was so concerned about hurting her ex-partner’s feelings that she didn’t say anything about the fact that their kissing styles were, let’s say…less than aligned. “I thought if I told him, it might send him reeling, wondering why no one before me hadn’t told him.”
Ajjan says you’re probably not going to permanently crush someone’s self-esteem if you’re thoughtful about how you get the message across. Rather than focusing on your turn-offs and saying something like, “I didn’t like when you did X,” try encouraging them to do more of what you did like. Erin leans into positive feedback too: “Saying something like ‘I really liked when you did XYZ,’ or, ‘How do you do that?’ can work.”
If you feel a shy about straight-up telling your partner what you’re into, you can also tell them you’d like to show them the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, Devoreaux, 28, from Texas, tells SELF. “Playfully display what you like in a kiss, showing where and how you enjoy it most,” she says.
Encourage your partner to tell you (or show you!) what’s working for them too. “Kissing is better once you’ve learned what the other person likes,” Scarlett, 26, from Colorado, tells SELF. And that goes both ways.
If you have a few kisses that fall flat, don’t assume it’s because you—or your partner—aren’t good at this and should swear off making out forever. “Just because you’ve had bad kissing experiences, that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad kisser,” Ajjan says. “You can learn what works with communication, practice, and the willingness to be vulnerable.” The best kisser is one who pays attention to their partner, is willing to try types of kissing that make both of them happy, and maybe also carries around a handy stash of mints.
Related:
