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So, you’re looking to switch up how you smooch. Cool!
One of the (many) fun things about kissing is that — like most acts related to intimacy — how to kiss always holds room for more exploration. Maybe you feel you’ve already got your moves down pat. Or maybe you’re a little newer to the art of how to kiss someone. Either way, there are going to be tactics you probably haven’t tried yet. And, as far as trial and error goes, we’re pretty sure there are worse things to spend your time experimenting on.
Also on the error front, if you’re wondering how to be a good kisser, let’s get one thing clear: There are no bad kissers. There are some bad kisses, and we’ve all had or will have a few of those. (Cut to a scene of me during my last one, when I — after an unexpected, extra-wet kiss I didn’t see coming — let out a flustered laugh in the person’s face. Which is something I am, despite my current choice to digitally immortalize this moment, not exactly proud of.)
Basically, what I’m saying is: We all have our semi-sloppy moments. Don’t sweat them! Kissing is, and should be, fun, and if you really want to get a degree in how to kiss well, you could always take a Masterclass. (Seriously, there’s a Masterclass on how to kiss.) For the rest of us, we’ve rounded up pucker-worthy pieces of advice for how to kiss better (hint: it involves more than your lips), as well as the tragically common advice you should steer clear of (which definitely involves your tongue.)
1. Build up to the kiss.
Before, boom!, cutting straight to laying a wet one on the other party — which you’ll be avoiding anyway, thanks to Step No. 2 — let the tension build. Maintaining direct eye contact and, if you’re standing or sitting near each other, leaning in closer can go a long way here. Pay attention to their, and your, body language. Have your voices dropped? Have their eyes flickered down to your lips? And, speaking of lips, have you noticed them biting theirs? Ensure there’s some time to enjoy the tension before you act on it.
2. Make sure the kiss has your, and the other party’s, consent.
The chatting has faded, and there’s been a — though it feels weird to say in this context — pregnant pause. Worried about breaking the mood by speaking? A well-timed “Can I kiss you?” or “I’d really love to kiss you right now” does the exact opposite of that. While getting your partner’s consent and signaling respect, it also signals take-control-of-the-situation confidence that, honestly, makes this a move in and of itself.
3. Start things slow.
While a makeout session that becomes fast and aggressive is plenty fun, rarely does it work to immediately start out on that note. It can be something you work up to — quickly, slowly or never — but let the first kiss, before you’ve found your rhythm, be a slower and gentler one, using lighter pressure.
4. Keep your mouth soft and relaxed.
We mean this literally — are your lips adequately balmed up? — and also, well, again literally. Both a cranked-open jaw and a closed-mouth, hard pucker aren’t the most pleasant to smooch. Keep your lips just-apart enough, allowing the kisses to be soft and deep, and keep your mouth relaxed. You want to see where the kiss takes you.
5. Switch your area of focus and/or your speed.
Ready to extend the kiss into a longer makeout session? Try gradually picking up speed, using varying degrees of pressure, or shifting your focus between lips, from top to bottom. While you’re focused on the bottom, try giving it a little — emphasis on little, unless you and your partner have already had pain-as-pleasure conversations indicating otherwise — nibble, bite or tug.
6. Speaking of area of focus — move things away from their lips.
Lips are great and all. But letting your mouth travel away from them for a while is fun, too. Other spots that make for good kissing destinations include: their jawbone; their ears, including the spot just behind the lobes; their collarbone; and their neck, including the back of the neck.
All of these are easy to reach, with a light trail of kisses to get you there, from your partner’s mouth, and odds are they’ll find it just as (or even more) enjoyable as a lip-to-lip smooch. While there are some standard feel-good zones on the body, including the above ones, everyone has their own preferences. Ask your partner if they have any erogenous zones they’d like special attention paid to, and see if you can notice areas where they’re more sensitive — in a good way — while kissing.
7. Go easy on the tongue.
This doesn’t necessarily mean hold off on using tongue altogether. But, in general, tongues tend to take up more than their fair share of space in how-to-kiss conversations.
Too often, internet kissing advice will make you think tongue — and lots of it — is synonymous with making out. But unless learning how to french kiss is specifically what you’re after, you can have a plenty steamy makeout session with only a light amount of tongue involved (or none at all!). If you do want to incorporate a little tongue, don’t be forceful. Less is more here, and your goal shouldn’t be to lick the inside of your partner’s throat. Keep it playful and light, and don’t try to force a rhythm. Pay attention to your partner’s cues, too.
8. Don’t overthink it.
This is easier said than done at times. But for a kiss that lets you truly be in your body — as the best kisses should! — try to stay out of your head. Being in the present, rather than internally rattling off to yourself how-to-kiss steps, is the best way to kiss better. It’ll let you pay closer attention to how your partner is responding, and it’ll keep you loose and responsive, too.
9. Talk about it afterward!
After a kiss, don’t be afraid to talk about what you liked — and, within that, what you’d love to do a little differently next time! By emphasizing what you liked the most — i.e. “I loved it when you kissed down my neck” — your partner can be guided to prioritize the right (and right-for-you) things. Kissing chemistry differs from person to person, and it can take a little time to establish your rhythm with someone new. Giving, and receiving, kissing feedback will make sure the rhythm you’re developing is a weak-in-the-knees recipe for you both. And remember: we’re all just doing our best here!
Related: The Science of Kissing: What’s Going on When You Swap Spit
