Age: As a breed, ancient; in dog years, incalculable.
Appearance: Oversized Aslan plush toy, fresh from being washed and dried with a Manchester United jersey.
Funny looking lion. That's because it's a dog.
Cute, though. How much for one of them? One million pounds.
A million! What's it made of? It's a dog. It's made of dog.
You mean that thing is real? Yes. He's Hong Dong (meaning "big splash"), an 11-month-old red Tibetan mastiff who was recently bought by a Chinese coal baron for 10m yuan (£945,000), making him the world's most expensive dog.
What's the world's second most expensive dog? Another Tibetan mastiff called Red Lion was valued at £915,000 last year.
Inflation, that's what it is. Perhaps, but Hong Dong has been described as a perfect specimen, and should be able to command stud fees of up to £10,000 a go.
Sounds like a business I should get into. Can I borrow a million quid? I'll get it straight back to you. In Britain, alas, Tibetan mastiff puppies sell for less than £1,000.
Why do people want these giant red dogs in the first place? They're considered holy and rather auspicious. Tibetans believed them to be the reincarnated souls of monks and nuns.
What else? For a million quid, there must be something else. Well, they're meant to be good with children.
Unless it can drive them to school, I'm not interested. Actually, even if it can I'm not interested. It seems that in China the breed has become something of a status symbol among the super-rich, a trend that has driven up prices.
I'm guessing they're also quite expensive to run. They do eat a lot. Tibetan Mastiffs have been known to reach 20st. And they live rather a long time, up to 14 years.
Do say: "Fetch boy! Fetch up to £10,000 per lady-visit, and quick!"
Don't say: "Evening, Mr Hucknall. May I take your coat?"